Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Me in the viewfinder

Saturday Lloyd and I  had a play with some "design armchairs"


Gigi (e) la trottola


You just had to sit and spin.
Unless you're Lloyd, of course. If you are him or like him, then first thing you try to do is to sit in perfect balance on the spinning armchair without moving.


When we left headed towards Tate Modern, he asked me if I didn't want a picture of me taken on the armchair.
I said no, because... well not sure exactly of the reason why.
I'm normally more relaxed and comfortable behind the viewfinder, rather than in front of it. Moreover, when I feel there's no balance in my life, I'm stressed or I'm struggling with the weight of the problems I have to curry around, I just become more self-conscious. I feel as if the lens can capture all that's wrong with me: faults, character failures, personal issues. I look at the picture taken and I just see ugliness, defects, scars of unrequited loves and misplaced trust.
Some people have the same problem with mirrors, but because they leave no trace, they are not a problem to me.


Right now, I'm in a moment where I don't like my picture taken, mainly because I don't like many things of me and of how my life is developing: I don't like my lack of patience, I don't like the feeling I get each day of letting my life slipping away, of missing how my friends' lives are evolving. I hate the feeling of being blocked and without a clue of what the future, the close future may has in store for me.
I hate the fact that I can type but I can speak, as if this life style, this country drain my emotions in the throat. And even if I could find the words, who could and would listen to me? 


So, no, I can't bear the idea of having a picture of me taken right now. 


Funny how not many weeks ago, this problem was nowhere to be found! I remember I had other worries, but people taking picture of me was not in the list. 
Now that the hard disk has been recovered, I've gone and browsed all the folders, looking for a picture.
This one:


me?


I can't remember who took it. I remember it was a sunny and quite hot Saturday afternoon, the day of Armonica. I met with Diego in Piazza Castello: he was there with some other people taking pictures. Buncia, having been there for the whole event, had by then reached amazing level of lobster red.


We settled for a walk toward Grom, had some ice-cream, sat in front of the Egyptian Museum, started talking about camera, lenses. Diego had to take some photo for some tourist and we all chuckled at the fact that, so used to D-SLR, he didn't really know what to do with the small compact camera the 2 girls have given him.


"If you don't like it, I can take another one" he told them (after having taken 2 pictures already).
"Oh no, that's fine", was the reply (without even bothering to take a look at the pictures, sigh).


We swapped cameras and I can't remember who took this picture.
I just remember that I downloaded it, looked at it and thought "cool, I like it".
Then I told myself that I would put it in the right folder the day after. Right... my never-ending postponing is a different story, I'll tell you about it next time or another. 
It took me a while to find it. I look at it and somehow it's like I'm staring at a stranger, a stranger I'd like to be again soon.

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