Friday, 13 December 2013

the Peppa Pig conspiracy

I do believe in a few things.
I believe that no chef can beat my mum's cooking.
I believe giving people a 3rd chance is a mistake too many.
I believe in coyotes (and time as an abstract).

I also believe in my new thesis, I finished formulating on Sunday: I believe Peppa Pig is the antichrist in pink.
And we need to do something about it. Fast.
We need to take action right now, before it's too late and Peppa and her brother George take control of the planet.

Here's a brief list of reasons why we should ban her somewhere remote, with no tv access:
1. She's annoying.
2. She sets a bad example for kid: she jumps into puddles of mud then refuses to take her shoes off before going to bed.
3. Not only she's annoying, she's also bossy and boring.
4. Only her brother George is more boring than her.
5. Have I mentioned how annoying she is already?

And I also got a list of reason why Peppa's parents should be stripped off their parental rights (admitting that fictional porks can actually hold parental rights over their offsprings to begin with):
1. They allow their kids to jump into muddy puddles.
2. Not happy with that entirely, they jump into the puddles themselves.
3. They're probably high on crack: for what other reason would they wake their kids at 1 in the morning to go and "look at the stars" at grandpa Pig's place?
4. Peppa inherited from them her being so annoying.

I got 2 nieces and 1 nephew. I thought Teletubbies had me ready for everything (kids) TV could throw at me: bring it on, Tinky Winky, bring it on.

I was wrong. I was so, so, so terribly wrong.

Peppa Pig is everywhere: I bought some clothes for my nieces as Christmas present. It was a struggle to find something not in pink and not Peppa Pig related: what kind of aunt do you think I'd be by letting my nieces go around town dressed like porks?!?!?

And it's not just clothes, merchandise is everywhere: tissue paper, biscuits, chocolate, glasses, shoes, I haven't seen any Peppa Pig toilet paper yet, but I'm going for grocery tomorrow, so I'll keep you posted on this.

Right now, in the moment I type, millions of kids over the planet are watching her cartoon. There's a brainwashing operation in progress: in few years time, something will happen, like a small "click" in the infinite universe and kids will snap, become pink, oinking Cybermen and take power and enslave the whole humanity before setting up on a war path that will eventually bring to the demise of our galaxy... something that needs to be stopped now and that should be high in the agenda of the people over UN.

I feel quite powerless: can you imagine the dB level my niece can reach if I turn off the TV while Peppa is on? What can I do?

Right now I just played around with a meme that is quite popular on the web right now. Hope Peppa doesn't sue me for this:

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